faints | [Asgard] Journal Entries

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[Asgard] Journal Entries

Journal Entries made by Roxas since receiving his journal from Nakama.

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Sora's here. He knows me...that's what it seems like. We're close? Or were...I don't know what he means by "got out". I don't know if I want to really.

"Nobody" "Heartless"

This is all real right? I hurts when I pinch myself but I don't understand any of this. I want to go home...

I'm me, right?

Dream: Sora again. Donald and Goofy too, and a strange man I haven't seen before. I don't remember much else.

I dreamed about Sora again... It's weird. Riku was there too this time. He looked younger and...different. I don't remember what he said though.

Sora, Riku, Donald, Goofy, Ventus...

Ventus looks just like me. It's like looking into a mirror I guess. I haven't spoken to him since we first met. I haven't really spoken to anyone.

Maybe I should talk to Naminé.

Edited 2012-07-14 22:25 (UTC)

I went out with the guy I met from my world named Axel today. We were trying to find a place to get ice cream but I forgot it probably wouldn't be open when it was so cold! I felt bad since he seemed kind of disappointed.

I was surprised though--Axel's favourite flavor of ice cream is the same as mine: sea salt. We decided to find a place that sells it in Asgard when it warms up.

Edited 2012-07-14 22:25 (UTC)

Aqua wants us all to meet tomorrow, even me. She said it's about Vanitas... The guy that looks just like Sora. He's the one I met when I first came here. I saw him again at the hospital, so I know he's real.

I wonder if I should have told her about our deal? "What's your purpose"...

I don't know if I'll ever find out, but what use could he have for it anyway? Maybe I'd better just try to avoid him on my own.

Oh right--I'm still having dreams. I guess I forgot to put that in my last entry. I don't remember them very well though lately. It's strange...every time I try to think about Sora I just remember my friends instead.

Guess I really am homesick.

Edited 2012-07-14 22:25 (UTC)

My dreams have started to get strange lately. Or maybe more normal I guess? I'll start to dream about Sora but partway through it becomes just me and my friends in Twilight Town. It's not like they're completely new dreams though, it sort of like watching my own memories on repeat. I guess it's kind of an improvement...

I only managed to see that island last night.

Oh yeah. Aqua called a meeting for all of us to discuss out powers the other day. Sora and I have the same one. Is that a coincidence...? For some reason it make me nervous but I can't figure out why. I know I should probably get over it and talk to him but part of me...doesn't want to I guess. What are you supposed to say to someone you've been dreaming of but never met?

I started fainting again too. What's wrong with me?

Edited 2012-07-14 22:25 (UTC)

So everything's fake then? It's all a lie? Naminé said everything that happened in Twilight Town was real--that it wasn't just in my head. So then why when Axel said all of that...why didn't she say anything? Why couldn't she tell me he was lying...

Riku's wrong, I'm not strong enough.

Edited 2012-07-14 22:25 (UTC)

Last night I dreamed about Kairi for the first time. Just...all of a sudden, she was there, in the dreams. Like she'd always been there and I missed her somehow before. Is it because I met her...? I would say I can't dream about anything I haven't seen but that's not really the case anymore I guess.

Sometimes I wonder if it matters if I keep this journal anymore. I made it to help so that if my memories ever disappeared again I would have something to remind me but instead of remembering what I'm supposed to it's just...things. Things about Sora and his friends, and now that girl too.

~~Maybe Axel was right.~~

If home's fake, then...what was real? Who am I supposed to be? It feels like I should already know the answer but I can't think clearly every time I try.

Alice mentioned a place called "Wonderland" today. I'm going to go to the library to see if I can find it...for some reason it feels really familiar. Maybe I read it as a kid...if those memories aren't fake too.

Edited 2012-07-14 22:25 (UTC)

I'm a Nobody

Axel was right

so why does it hurt if it's not real

Maybe there's no point to this thing anymore. I got it to help me keep my head straight and protect my memories. But even those weren't real

~~I don't care~~ ~~any~~ ~~anymore~~ ~~anymo~~

~~I can'~~

I want it all to be real. Why does something fake have to hurt this much?? Why can't I just keep them? Why can't they be real to me...?

Edited 2012-07-14 22:25 (UTC)

It's only been four days since I last wrote in this but it feels like a lot longer. To be honest I wasn't sure if I was going to anymore but...I think I will. I went back and read it for the first time since I got here. Can't believe how bad I sounded. I was worried over so much and I guess I still am. It's easier to be honest here since it's just, well, me I guess. It's hard to believe so much happened.

A lot's still going on too. I still want to find my purpose. For me, not just because of Vanitas. Even if I know I'm going to have to say something soon. I probably should done it at the meeting but I was so scared of meeting everyone face-to-face, and then the fainting... That makes this the third time since I got here. At least two of those times I wasn't around anyone, I don't want to make them worry.

I was about to write "I should talk to Namine".

Namine... Her and Axel. I couldn't tell that they were Nobodies at all. I couldn't even tell that I...was one. If we act the way we do because of our memories doesn't that make us just like everyone else? Or...I guess. I don't know. I know mine are fake, and I know that whatever I can't remember hurts. Access had to go through all of that and he's been trying to stop it from happening again. He's seen everything that's happened to me and he's sure my feelings are real even if...Nobodies aren't supposed to feel them.

~~Is it because I'm special, like Namine said? Or is it something else? Part of me wants to know all the answers but~~

Ugh, I promised Access I wouldn't think like that. It's really hard.

I want to be strong like Nakama and Riku--even Rapunzel's really strong. She lived her whole life in a tower and she's still trying her best.

I need to do what I can too. Access said that even if my memories aren't real, the feelings I remember from them are. The last few days I was in Twilight Town were real, and everything that's happened here is real too.

Maybe I really can't feel anything. Maybe it really is just because of my memories.

But even if that's true they were at least real to me. They can be as real as I want them to, and I don't want any of them to disappear. Even if it's sadness or it hurts, or the happiest feeling in the world--I don't care if they're supposed to be fake. They were never fake to me.

So...I guess that's it. I've written down everything I can think of since it's supposed to help. I don't know if I feel any better but...I think I can do this. Maybe Riku was right after all.

- Namine
- Axel
- Ventus
- Troll(?) Vrisa I think...
- Vanitas

Edited 2012-07-14 22:26 (UTC)

I watched my first sunrise ever with Nakama a few days ago. It was one of the most amazing things I've ever seen, lots of color or not. It's been a long time since I did anything like that with anyone...it made me really glad. Oh right, I can't forget:

Japan, 2003, Miko Nakarai. And "The Black Monster".

I've gotta keep my journal on me all the time now too, just in case I get sent home. I'm not going to forget my promise to Nakama no matter what! So hears that, me? If I ever forget what happens make sure you help Nakama no matter what.

Nobody or not being able to spend time with friends like this makes me feel...happy. I wonder if I can help Namine and Axel feel happy too?

Edited 2012-07-14 22:26 (UTC)

I got a job! The day after my powers caused all that trouble one of the shop owners nearby asked if I could work for her! I think she kind of wanted me to use my power to get business...but at least I've got one now! I'll be making deliveries for her clients and stuff. Pretty lucky Rarity drew me that skateboard...I'm gonna have to do something nice for her back.

Um...a lot of other stuff happened too but it's sort of embarrassing so I'm not gonna write it down, but Nakama and I are still friends and I made up with Axel! The maid cafe was kind of awkward though.

Oh right my dreams! Man I've been bad about those lately... They're all still about Sora so nothing's really changed there. Riku hasn't been in a lot of them lately, just the other two. It's funny, I can't ever remember having dreams of my own before these started happening. I wonder what those are like...?

Edited 2012-07-14 22:26 (UTC)

Ugh Axel and Access are such jerks! They totally scared me half to death on purpose...! Who sneaks up on someone in the middle of the night after a horror movie anyway??? I thought my heart was going to jump right out of my chest... They talk like they don't get along but they sure don't act like it!

At least I've almost got enough money for Namine's present. One more pay-day! I wonder if her and Ventus are getting along yet...

I haven't been having any dreams lately. I wonder if that means anything? Maybe I'm done with Sora? I sure have seen a lot of him and his friends.

Notes:
-Eating ice cream with Axel in Twilight Town?
-Love is something more than "best friends" (Axel again?)

~~I have a~~ ~~I have~~ ~~Nakama and~~

~~I can't believe it reall~~

I'm going out with Nakama!

~~I don't really know what being a boyfriend if or what having a girlfriend is like but it's...exciting! Really exciting and I just hope I don't mess~~

No jinxes!

I have a girlfriend...!

~~I don't care if I don't have a real heart or feelings or anything--fake or not, I'm happy! Really happy!~~ Man I sound like a total dork but I can't help it. I'm never showing anyone this entry, ever.

Really, really going out with Nakama... :)

"You're your own person."
"No matter where you go or what you do, you'll still be Roxas."

He's such a dork...

~~Thanks, Sora~~

I'm scared

why did i

I

~~Naka~~

I hate it here

I hate it

I want to go home

I want to see Axel

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